Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Sulking

For the most part I really enjoy being an Army wife.  I love feeling like our family is taking part in something bigger than ourselves and actually being a part of making history.  Even though I am the one at home holding down the fort when Ben is gone, I feel like I am doing a great service by being the support behind the man.  Without the love and support of their families back home, soldiers can't ever be the best they can be.

Most of the time, unfortunately, life can be pretty tough at home, and like it or not complaining to our spouses about it can do more harm than good if they are gone.  I try to stay strong and brave and put on a good show over the phone on how well we are doing and yadda, yadda.  Heaven forbid we distract our soldier with problems here at home he has no control over.

But sometimes, it's just so hard to be strong!  Sometimes all I want to do is stay in bed and cry.  I can't, though.  I have three boys who need me to suck it up and be mom and dad... so I have no choice.

Ben has been gone for a few weeks now, and it seems like every time he leaves it all hits the fan around here. Like we had our issue last week with Sam and I have been on the phone all week with police and social workers, I just keep wishing for Ben to be home.  It's hard going through it all by myself.

For the last few weeks, I have been planning for Ben to come home on Friday the 17th.  I was mentally prepared and felt I could do it.  Then he surprised me Sunday night announcing that they were going to let them out a few days early and he would be home Tuesday night (tonight)!  I was THRILLED and the boys and I cleaned house yesterday and got things all ready for the big homecoming tonight.

Then we got "the call"...

Ben told me that they asked for volunteers to stay an extra two days (they would get extra pay) to help out.  Because we are so tight for funds right now, Ben really wanted to do it.  As much as I felt like crying, I sucked it up and told him that I wanted him to do what he needed to do.  Inside I was screaming and throwing a huge tantrum of epic proportions.  I wish so badly that we were in a financial situation where just two days of military pay wouldn't make such a difference.  I wish Ben didn't have to make choices like that, and that he could always choose to be with us.  I know he is doing it for our family, but I wish he didn't have to.

Two days doesn't seem to really make that much difference, but to a mom of 3 boys (one only 3 months), two days is a LONG time, ESPECIALLY since I was so looking forward to seeing him today.  I know it is all part of being an Army wife... but it still bites!  Grrrr...

Sometimes I hate having to be supportive all the time and holding back my selfishness... I really miss him!

So today, I am going to sulk and feel bad about myself... then tomorrow I work on feeling better again.

Here is a picture of me and Ben... I think this picture really shows me as I am feeling inside today:




Photobucket

2 comments:

Jill said...

It's okay to have a tantrum. We all need to have one now and again to let off steam.

folding bed said...

I love this post - thank you for keeping it up. It's perfectly fine, and normal, to really note like thing sometimes.
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